The exam went bonkers. Rejection again.

Have the application results to wait for now.
But if this year seems to be anything - it's this:
Anything I hope for will be ruthlessly thrown into the bin , but before it hits me, I am to be afflicted with a spring of hope.
You see, it's a little more entertaining to if I stumble to come to terms after having to deal with my hopes coming to touching distance, and then dissolving onto a shooting star in one frenzied moment.

You guessed right. This blog is about self pity. But even that realization comes with a rider:

The facts are true. There's no getting away from them. And you can't blow it out of your system either.
Rot and smile. Smile and rot.
And remember to say Thank you.

A Flash of Reality

No amount of preparation,self-deception, and optimism can shield you against that moment of stark reality which will eventually shatter your unguarded moment. There is no talisman you can wire up on wall to protect you from that odd comment of sympathy, that occasional sucess story which places your predicament in hard perspective.

But what's there I can do? Keep doing what I am doing, and try to do it well.
Maybe that day of revolt is not an illusion.
But will it be the day I give in? Or will it be the day I prevail?

And guess what - this might stretch until November. Would have run away if I could portend this in June.

And yes, I can't put myself in for that job. 24 months haven't passed. So bye bye for now.

I wrote an exam today - surprisingly easy - and attempted a lot of questions.
It turns out most people attempted a lot themselves, if not more.

But somehow that has brought a fizz back. Not raring to go stuff, but a day without curses seems big now.

The 7.3 thing pricked less - in fact hardly pricked. But the 5 calls pricked.
Tomorrow something else may prick - or even stab.
That is why I have decided consciously - I am taking this day by day.
And I WILL give things a serious thought - discuss them - somehow - even if they lead to unpleasantness.

But letting go after all those months is a great relief. Even for one single day.

Gumption hiss

I want to fight. I want to scream. I want to shout.
I want to rebel, to cut the politeness.

I want to run and keep running, not giving a damn about anything else in the world.

I want to stop hoping for the future and moping at the past.

I want to know why it went wrong.
I want to know why it was me.

I want to break out of the jail,and stop smiling with polite interjections when sometime tries to tell me I am in a real good position.
I want to stop lying and trying to decieve.
And falling miserably on my face.

This is my first post.
Aw, what a profound truism.


I had a goal, I thought I gave in my best efforts. I fretted each day about whether I was going to make it. I piled dream upon dream on that one day - when it all came crashing down.
And I didn't do so badly - if I had some discipline it would have fitted in like a mosaic.
I thought of piling surprise along people I know, to erase any retrograde thoughts that had been floating for seven months.
Surprise, Surprise, it all comes down to rejection on the D-day.

Such a one-dimensional pursuit had strong leanings towards failure - Pirsig says it had failure emblazoned all over it. A question to be asked is - how do I distance myself from that attitude in my present situation?
It can be done - and should be done if I need to move on.
There's much more.

Well, now I have put another goal for myself. This one is even more difficult, and more prestigious.And I am keeping even this secret from the people I know. Even lesser time to compete with people who have been slogging for two and three years.


I did not dare to think of this life. Now I am daring it.
I am ready to bear all the consequences.
All I know is that I cannot make it alone.